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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
11:19 am - hello
ive been trying to gather my writings and remembered i had a livejournal. Luckily i remembered my user name, geez memories!

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Monday, September 4th, 2006
10:56 pm - Kindergarten
Ahhh yes tomorrow my baby begins her kindergarten & its freakin me out! it seems like yesterday she was a baby and like barely walking and i know kindergarten is a good thing for her but its just all happneing so fast i dunno wat to do with myself you know. my mom used to talk about seeing isa on her first day of kindergarten and its killing me inside to know that shes missing yet another milestone in her life. its not fair because she should be here not me, she was dying to see isa with long hair, she was dying to hear isa say her first sentence, see her first school performance, see her jump up and down and play with other kids and everything else and shes not here... it just doesnt feel the same without her...

i just miss my mom....

current mood: indescribable

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Sunday, June 25th, 2006
11:41 pm - LoViNg Me 4 Me
People ask if I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm sitting here with your picture and smiling to myself
I'm kinda lost in my own thoughts of you
My heart speaks before my mind thinks through and I blush as I say yes

What a feeling of vulnerability comin' over me
And I'm feeling weak and I can't speak
I can't think
Never thought I'd give in so willingly to a human being
With abilities to set me free, let me be me
Makes me wanna say

Your lips, your eyes, your smile, your kiss
I must admit it's a part of me
You please me, complete me, filling me
Like a melody
Your soul, your flow, your youth, your truth is simply proof
We were meant to be
But the best quality that's hooking me is that you're loving me 4 me
Is that you're loving me 4 me

Now, people ask WHY I'm in love with you
Well, let me start by saying you got my heart by just being who you are
And what we got is between me and you
Doesn't matter 'bout the money you make or what you do or that you're a star

Unconditionally, you're there for me
Undeniably, you inspire me spiritually; so sweet
This is meaningful, it's incredible, pleasurable, unforgettable
The way I feel so sweet makes me wanna say

It's so amazing how something so sweet has come and rearranged my life
I've been kissed by destiny
heaven came and saved me
An angel was placed at my feet
this isn't ordinary
He's loving me 4 me

Stripped of all makeup
No need for fancy clothes
No cover-ups, push-ups
With him, I don't have to put on a show
He loves every freckle, every curve,
Every inch of my skin
Fulfilling me entirely
Taking all of me in
He's real
He's honest
He's loving me 4 me

current mood: loved

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Sunday, June 18th, 2006
3:21 pm - Thoughts on Fathers Day
Here i am at work and its fathers day..woo hoo! its just crazy how a few years ago we would actually like do something for fathers day and today its like any other day. sometimes i feel bad cuz like i know he is my dad and if it wasnt for his sperm i wouldnt be here but at the same time its like ok what has he done for me? true he has helped me by paying off some of my debt, but is that supposed to make up for everything else. all those years of being there but really not being there?? i mean i cant really complain about my dad like saying he physically abused me, that he never supported us financially or anything because thank God he never did but i mean he was also never really there. like how can i explain it? like he never went to my award thingys, he never asked me how school was, he never knew who my friends were, its like all he was there for was to pay the bills, never to like actually BE a part of my life or my brothers life to be honest. its just sad because i really thought things would have changed once my mom had died, i thought mayb he would take more interest in getting to know the children he doesnt know but obviously i was wrong...it makes me sad but wat can i say? he doesnt deserve any better, or am i just expecting too much?

current mood: hot

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Monday, May 29th, 2006
9:19 pm - Mommy
You were the one who gave me life,
you taught me wrong from right.
You would kiss all my scrapes and bruises
to make it all better,
and when I was sick,
you were always there sitting by my bed all night.
I will still your little girl,
even though I am grown.
You were my best friend,
I had to talk to you everyday.
I don't know what to do with myself,
since you went away.
Life has been so hard without you by my side.
There has not been a day since you left,
that I haven't cried.
My dear mommy I want you to know,
I miss you more and more each day.
I find peace that you are in heaven,
and that you're watching over me,
Every night I pray.
To see your face,
and get my hugs,
I can hardly wait.
My dear mommy,
when its time for me come and be with you,
I will meet you at the gate.

current mood: crappy

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9:17 pm - Whispers
I want to leave this place
Just to get away and feel the breeze upon my face
And just be myself
By leaving this place behind and everything else.

As i sit here in this chair
I feel this emptiness inside my soul
Praying that questions will be answered for the stories in my life untold

As i stare out my window thinking about my past
I think of how i use to be and why it didnt last

Everyday I walk around with a fake smile
Knowing that the pain inside of me will hurt only for a little while
Sometimes when i'm alone i want to cry
And other times i want to crawl inside myself and die

As i think to myself
I feel that i will never grow up, never containing my insanity
Because of the thoughts and criticism of the people around me

One day I will understand
The Lord's Plan
That He has for me
In this world of hatefulness and cruelty
And let go of the pain that is holding on inside of me.

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
12:20 am - remember
I still remember that brisk and cool day,
that day we met and my fears were driven away.
Your perfect smile, your joyous laugh,
the way your eyes lit up when we talked about the past.
We would sit and talk for hours on end
about our secrets and our future plans.
Our friendship started to grow much more.
It became a feeling so strong we could not ignore.
You told me, it would be for the best, just wait and see.
Fate. You said, has brought you to me.
We believed those words, we thought they were true,
but I guess they weren't because now we are through.
Now your gone and now I see that it was all because of me.
I hurt so many, yet cared so much,
about the wrong person and felt the wrong touch.
I played a game with two hearts,
I thought I was strong, I'd never be torn apart.
I hope you forgive and I hope that you see,
those feelings I have are smothered inside of me.
Someday soon I hope you will find a love that will last you all of time.
You deserve the best in everything you do.
Maybe someday I will see you, with a smile on your face,
hand in hand with somebody new.
Until that day comes I will be here,
I will be your angel in the light that's so clear.
I'll look out for you when you need me the most,
I will always be around, I will not let you down.
I love you know and I always will, and even though your not mine,
my heart holds you still, it cannot let go
please dont forget me or what we shared
because our love was everything to me

current mood: blah

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12:18 am - Lonely Hearts
at night i breakdown and cry
and sometimes i don't even know why
my loneliness is driving me insane
so is my lonely heart the one to blame?

heart I'm calling on you
give me the strength to pull through
but still i must believe
there's another lonely heart out there
waiting for me waiting for me

I'm not sure which way to go
is it my heart that i should follow
heart I'm so unsure
and now i need you more than before

heart I'm calling on you
give me the strength to pull through
but still i must believe
there's another lonely heart out there
waiting for me waiting for me

tell me I'm not the only
broken heart feeling lonely
I know everything heals in time
but can time heal this lonely heart of mine

at night I breakdown and cry
and sometimes I don't even know why
my loneliness is driving me insane
so is my lonely heart the one to blame?

heart I'm calling on you
give me the strength to pull through
but still I must believe
there's another lonely heart out there
waiting for me waiting for me

heart I know your my only friend
and one day we'll find love again

current mood: gloomy

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Friday, March 31st, 2006
10:50 pm - AmiGos...
Together til the end,
You and me will be friends.
We'll break our friendship never,
together or apart we'll be friends forever.
Through good times and bad,
We'll never get mad.
Through old friends and new friends,
Our friendship never bends.
Eventhough we're changing,
Our friendship is never ending.
With broken hearts and many tears,
We've made it through these past seven years.
Different in many ways,
more alike each passing day.
Our memories are the best,
it's our honesty we never test.
Helping each other out,
Always with no doubt.
We've always been eachother's better half,
When we hang together we have a full glass.
Together til the end,
You and me will be friends.

current mood: chipper

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10:41 pm - For Bianca & Liz...
Forever friend
reach out to me when you feel despair
and when your burdens are too many
the load I will gladly share
and when your heart grows weary
and dark clouds cover you
My friend I will stay beside you until the
sun shines through.
Forever friend,
we have shared so much
a special love we have come to know
we have laughed and cried together and
helped each other in love to grow
Forever friend
within my heart a special place
for you is there
because you are my forever friend and
I will always care.

current mood: loved

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10:36 pm - Invincible
I'm scared and I'm running, and I'm running out of time.
And all this time, always thought we were invinsible,

Time, it's gone so fast, all it took was one night back,
to crash it all into the ground,
Now two gone deep in a predictable last scene,
I never thought it'd be you and me
So what do we do?
I tell you I'm afraid just like you,
but by the time we're done thinking it's gone,
So don't waste your life,
just look at me and remember the time,
the time my angel came to say
Take me away...<3

current mood: bored

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Saturday, March 4th, 2006
8:19 pm - Yay!

YAY! i love Tommy!

current mood: loved

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Friday, February 17th, 2006
10:14 pm - Mommy...
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no.
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen...

current mood: drained

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Saturday, February 11th, 2006
3:28 pm - Working....
Last nite was Joannas party! it was nice and fun to watch white people try to dance! lol my goodness i love it! my brother left me as usual but watever i had a nice time and the food was really good as well, especially the salad. i love salad!

im at work rite now! fuji got a birthday party and since its snowing not many people r here rite now so i figured id write since i havent really written much since. i was supposed to go to the city to celebrate frostys birthday but its snowing and i dont really feel like it. lol is that a bad thing? i should go out! but ehh watever

ugh this week is valentines day! i hate valentines day! a stupid holiday ill prob do what i do every year and just eat chocolates i bought for myself. i dont know how i manage to always not have ANYONE when its valentines day! i really thought this year would b different but hey figures...

whats with jack fm? its wat my boss has on, and seriously its quite a mix, it goes from "our lips r sealed" thank God not the duff version to aerosmith to like dixie chicks? my goodness! lol its a crazy mix!

alright i should try and like find something to do!

current mood: cold

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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
9:59 pm - LoVe SuCkS
You told me that you loved me
why did you leave me to cry in the cold
you swore this time was different
why does that line seem so old

You told me I was the only one
who could make you feel that way
you told me that you cared about me
so why didnt you stay

All the nights you laid with me
alone in the dark in your bed
now I finally realize
you were just messing with my head

Love is such a powerful word
a word people often misuse
something they take for granted
something they beat and abuse

My wounds run deep inside me
there's blood all over the place
I think I’ve really lost it this time
Im ashamed to show my face
Im afraid to let you know how i feel
Im afraid to admitt to myself how much it hurts me to let you go

I cant believe you lied
I cant believe you even cried
I told you from the start
We were always meant to just say goodbye

current mood: cold

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9:50 pm - Why do i open emails...
i hate my stupid email, i dont know how people find me and send me things and me being the dumbass i am i keep opening them cuz the curiousity gets the best of me...

watching the grammys, kelly clarkson won an grammy yay for her! i like her i think shes a really good artist and i think she deserved it very much...

DAMN! i hate this stupid feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it bad to want to like hit someone? like i wanna hit certain people but im always afraid that they will like get the best of me but her i can take shes a stupid little booger! shes gonna b in town next week and since he seems to be her new groupie mayb hell come with her and they can spend valentines day together here in ny, wouldnt that b romantic? they mite as well stay a few weeks more then they can celebrate our anniversary 2

current mood: angry

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Saturday, February 4th, 2006
11:23 pm - I miss you...
I miss you Mommy
especially now that i feel so alone
i miss your words of wisdom
or just the smell of you as i lay in ur arms crying about boys
i miss that smile you would give me when u would tell me everything would be ok
i miss the sound of your voice when you would just say my name
i thank you for sending me good friends
but they arent you
and i could never talk to anyone like i could with you
maybe thats why i feel double the pain
because i lost my two loves in two years
i try to close my eyes and see if i can still feel u
but i feel nothing
you were the only one who knew me mommy
you would understand if i said mommy i miss the sound of his voice
you never got tired of hearing stories of us
i want to tell you i feel broken
i miss his smile
i miss his kisses
i miss his stupid jokes
i miss him...
then again you never got to meet him mommy
and that hurts me too because i really loved him mommy
you would have liked him mommy
and now hes gone
you knew me mommy
inside and out
you knew the good and the bad in new
you knew how to break that wall that i would put up when i would smile and say "im ok"
the only one who truly loved me for me
i miss you mommy
Lord knows i miss you...

current mood: sad

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Friday, February 3rd, 2006
8:30 pm - Writing down my thoughts...
Writing my own thoughts
writing down my fears
wondering why I'm sheding so many tears.
I'm writing down my heart,
My heart which has been torn apart.
I'm writing down your love,
Your love which I once thought was true.
Even though I don't have it
I'm still here loving you
Writing down memories
Memories which I won't ever forget
Thinking about the moments we spent
Which you probably regret.
I'm writing about my illusions
Those that you made me build
And about my delusions
Those that you gave me.
I'm writing to you,
And even if I don't want to say this
Let me say,
"I'm still here loving you."


Why do I cry at night?
I look into the mirror, I can't stand the sight.

I hold back the tears,
I've been screaming for years.

Why can't I look myself in the eyes?
I'm hiding behind this disquise.

I don't want to be who I am,
And it's all because of him.

He took the only thing that mattered,
Now my soul is torn and shattered.

Why can't I just let go,
Nobody is meant to feel this low.

Although he's gone and here no more,
This feeling I will never ignore.

I'll put on my smile,
And dare to walk that extra mile.

I'm strong enough to get through this, and I will,
It's not a mountain, just a hill.

I can believe in myself again,
I will find the strength within.

Do you remember me as I remember you?
The things I used to say?
The things I used to do?

Do you remember my smile as I remember yours?
The jokes I once said?
And my laugh you once adored?

I remember everything,
From the first time I saw you,
To the last time we spoke.

From the first phonecall you gave me,
to the last letter you wrote.
From the first time you made me smile,
To the first time you made me cry.

From the Begining of our relationship,
to the day you told me Goodbye!
I remember your voice,
and your wonderful scent.

I remember the words you told me,
The ones I thought you meant.
Do you remember when you told me
that you will never break my heart?

Well, I guess you don't remember me at all
...because I'm slowly falling apart!


current mood: creative

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Wednesday, February 1st, 2006
11:53 pm - Salvame
extrañarte es mi necesidad
vivo en la desesperanza
desde que tu ya no vuelves mas

sobrevivo por pura ansiedad
con el nudo en la garganta
y esque no te dejo de pensar
poco a poco el corazon
va perdiendo la fe.....perdiendo la voz

salvame del olvido
salvame de la soledad
salvame del hastio
estoy hecha a tu voluntad
salvame del olvido
salvame de la oscuridad
salvame del hastio
no me dejes caer jamas

me propongo tanto continuar
pero amor es la palabra
que me cuesta a veces olvidar

sobrevivo por pura ansiedad
con el nudo en la garganta
y esque no te dejo de pensar
poco a poco el corazon
va perdiendo la fe
perdiendo la voz
salvame del olvido

no me dejes caer jamas....

current mood: crushed

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11:49 pm - Goodbye to you....
Ilook into your eyes, your heart, your soul -
Were you really loving me or lying?
My love goes deeper than I ever imagined it could
or even would.

Love is a part of life, I know.
So is the pain and the sorrow,
along with the smiles, and the joys.
My life will be forever changed
because I loved you.

It seemed as though my world was falling apart,
along with my heart.
No longer will I let your memory hurt me.
I will move on with my life,
no longer letting you be a part of me.

current mood: rejected

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